"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw

 

Good bye 2013. Hello 2014

2013 was an interesting year. A lot of things have happened this year, many of them great and incredible things. Decisions were made, and the results haven’t always been positive, but I remain optimistic. For the first time, I am going into the new year with a lot of hope for greater things. I truly believe 2014 is going to be a fantastic year, with many more to come. As 2013 comes to a close, I am letting go. Letting go of and forgiven those who’ve done me wrong, letting go of negativity, drama, stress, and frustrations. As 2014 draws near, I am welcoming happiness, and light into my life. I am going into 2014 with a deeper understanding of life, and myself. With maturity well beyond where I was a year ago. I promise to quit dwelling on the past, and close the chapters that have brought me to where I am today. I am thankful for those experiences, and thankful for the wonderful people who are still in, who recently became part of, and will always be a part of my life. 2014. I am ready for you.

Time…

Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my life and the direction that it is going. I’ve been trying online dating. It’s harder than I thought it would be. Even harder because I don’t give it my all. I’ve closed myself off to the opportunity of allowing someone into my life. I guess some can say I have trust issues. It is very hard for me to be able to trust someone enough to allow them to become apart of me, and me apart of their life. It seems when I open myself up enough to like someone, it doesn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. So it pushes me further back, and so I close myself off more. I have this need to control every aspect of my life that I cannot seem to shake. Me closing myself off is my way of protecting myself from getting hurt. However, my inability to trust and lose control is going to inhibit me from finding love. I know that, but I don’t know if I can let go of control to find that. I’m struggling with differentiating between what is more important. The holidays is not a good time for me to make that decision, but with the coming of the new year, I’d like to choose a path, and start fresh. Start 2014 off on a clean slate. With a new me, a me both someone else and myself can love. 

History

After you, 
lost I became.. 
blaming myself for not caring enough.
Feeling sorry for the time lost
in anger and bickering.

Alone 
I felt…
never again us against the world…
me, myself… against the pain.

Blame…
filled my mind… I pushed too hard.
Expected too much…
loved too little.
The fault to this, lay with me.

Time.
swept in… 
breaking the reflection
trapped within

Free
again, became of me…
longing no more of what
use to be

Forward
I go… to find what is destined
to become…
who I am meant to be.
With who brings out the best
in all of me…

And in time I will see what once was
was all in history… a page from a story
that was written just for me.

The path to finding me

“The thing is, the only real sign of life is growth. And growth requires pain. So to choose life is to accept pain.” 

Lately I’ve spent a lot of time trying to find a way to make the pain in my heart go away. However, no matter how much I try to erase the memories, and numb the pain any way I can, it stays with me. I’m most certain I am addicted to the fear of being alone, addicted to heart break. I’ve spent many years trying to make it work, convincing myself that contentedness was enough. Lying to myself that this is what I deserved, that this is as good as it gets.

Over the years I’ve convinced myself that I am not worth loving, or worth caring about. I spent many years trying to fight depression only to keep myself drowning it. I told myself over and over that I deserve to be treated horribly, and that it was ok to be at the bottom of everyone’s totem pole. Supporting those who never found it worth their time to support me. I feared being alone so much that I tucked every piece of originality I had away. Convincing myself that if people saw me for who I really was, they’d all leave me, and I’d forever by lonely. 

Last weekend while roaming around the Baha’i Temple, I found some peace. I finally understood that the pain that I’ve endured, and the memories etched forever in my heart are responsible for who I am today. This is forever a reminder of what I should be thankful for. I realized that maybe being alone isn’t so bad, because alone is what I need to allow myself to grow. To be loved, I need to start loving myself. Accepting myself, and all the faults and failures that I am comprised of… and acknowledge the strengths and successes that I have achieved. To be worth something to someone else, I have to find worth in myself. I might not see it yet, but somewhere deep down inside I am convinced that I am something that is worthwhile, and someone worth loving.

So today, I am going to begin that difficult path of accepting and finding me.

image

The path I chose…

So many years have passed since I saw you last…
I hardly remembered those deep and lonely eyes…
Like a shadow you disappeared when the night crept in..
When darkness engulfed me.
Long forgotten the memories became, but
When the sun rose
Scared was I to unlock what my heart locked so long ago.
Broken I felt, as i was lost in what is…
Too busy to face what was…
Not knowing what to do
when the morning light revealed you.
I closed my eyes hoping that you’d once again
disappear…
But through the my eyelids the image of the
Remembrance of pain associated with you is etched.
A burning reminder that I can’t escape…
So I must face you….
I’m not sure what it’s going to be…. But I must dig to know…
I’m not sure with this, where it’ll go… But I must follow…
Deep breathe… Step…. No…
Don’t fear… Just let my wall go…